My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
