I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
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I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
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He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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