apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Randomize
