hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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