What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize