Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Randomize
