Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
