i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
