I can text with my tongue
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
