You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
