I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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