what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
