I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
