how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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