You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
