my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
