you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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