I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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