apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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