I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
