thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
