Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
