I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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