tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
