Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
