Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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