Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
