Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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