You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
