I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize