if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
