someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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