There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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