I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
