put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Randomize
