The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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