Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Randomize
