Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
he thought i was a dude.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
