My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
