p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
