WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
