I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
