He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
