hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Can you repeat that, but with context?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
