sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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