life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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