Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
