Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I have aggressive nipples.
Randomize
