I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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