what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
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At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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