....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
