I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
