can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
