She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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