i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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