I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
