I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
