It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
