every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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